Disappointing doctors appointment

I had my doctors appointment today to discuss my anger/irritability episodes. I am a little disappointed in that I thought he was going to tell me I had a problem... that something was wrong... that I had a mental issue or bipolar disease or PPD or depression or something. Something to explain why I can't get a grip.

He told me I was stressed. That I was NORMAL.... that having 2 kids is harder than one and that stress can set a person over the edge. That these feelings were normal and I wasn't a bad mom. As much as I love my doctor, I can't help but feel like he's being overly courteous and not just laying it out there and saying "You're a nutcase... who yells and swears at their kid for getting in the q-tip jar?"

He did question quite a bit about if it seemed to be happening primarily before I started my period, which these past few episodes were. And, tmi, but now that I've started my period I've had quite a streak of pretty laid back, no stress days. As in, I am handling the 2 year old getting into everything moments better rather than screaming I'm reacting in a NORMAL way... the way I want and need to be reacting. I guess I should have been a little more in touch with myself and monitored these "episodes" more closely.

I explained to him that I feel like I can't reason with myself, that I feel my heart race, my palms ache, that my mom did this when I was younger, that I swear at him over nothing. Good God I got teary eyed in his office telling him I feel like I don't deserve my kids. And he told me it was normal. I'm normal. I'm stressed. He told me to take time to myself... which I already do. I'm pretty good to myself when it comes to "me" time. I make sure I have it.

He did put me on a low dose of Paxil. I'm afraid to take it... not sure what I'm afraid of but today I just stood there staring at the bottle... a little surreal that a bottle of Paxil has my name on it.

Tomorrow I'm taking my first pill in the morning. I have a follow up appointment the end of December, so hopefully things go well between now and then.

Mommy one second, Monster the next

I'm calling my doctor to see about getting on meds. I hate that I feel that I'm falling into the "pop a pill and be happy" group of Americans but I feel that its come down to that or soon I may flip and hurt my 2 year old. Its that bad.

My mom always was a yeller/screamer/thrower and would get into terrible rages when she was mad. I remember being so scared of her when she was in a rage. She calmed down now that us kids are out of the house (and ironically, she's a huge softie with her grandchildren). As a teen I remember swearing I wouldn't have kids until I had controlled that rage... until I had figured out how to manage angry, frustrated, stressed out and over the top feelings. Well, I never did.

It used to be a once in awhile deal... I'd be overly stressed with too many things to do at once and Rory would get in my way and I'd flip and scream at him. Things like "Get out of my face! GO AWAY!" and I don't mean like a firm voice... this is a screaming lunatic, lost-it for sure scream. When I picture myself in this scene, my eyes are read and bulging and I'm breathing fire.

Slowly it turned to more like once a month. And recently once a week. Now the rage is over the top and I flip out a few times a week and my reactions are getting worse and worse. I feel my blood boil... my heart start pounding, my lungs ache and logically I know that whatever I do or say is ridiculous and I should be an adult and not swear, scream, threaten, spank my child but the illogical part of me keeps control and I do it anyway until I feel better. I just can not reason with myself when I'm this angry. And its not like its huge things that are sending me over the top.

Last week Rory was getting into my stuff (he's 2, for pete's sake... I can say this now and think "what an ass I was" but at the moment....). Anyhow, he messed with something that was very important to me because he was trying to make room for his toy cars. I flipped out and screamed at him to "Get the fuck out. Get your SHIT out of here and get the hell out of my face!" All while throwing his cars wildly out of the room. He stood stunned. I knew in my head what I was saying/doing was terrible. I knew I would be ashamed once I calmed down, but I could. not. stop. myself.

Last week I told a couple friends what was happening. How I get so angry with Rory and at naptime one day after 2 hours of fucking around I went in his room and pinched his cheeks so hard that it crossed my mind I could leave a bruise and growled at him through clenched teeth to stay in bed. How I spank him instead of using more reasonable discipline methods, even though I hate spanking. They told me I need to talk to a doctor. I need to get meds. I was floored. I thought everyone did this. I went home and apologized to Rory in the middle of the night and vowed to try to control my anger, to be more patient, to not get so frustrated.

That was 2 days ago and I've already broken that vow. Rory was up early- time change has us fucked up. I let him get up and play in his room while I got ready for work and he was being so loud. Getting into the q-tip jar. Shutting doors loudly. Walking loudly on our hardwood floors. I didn't want him to wake Beck up as I have to get ready with both boys and that alone is enough to stress me out. I was in the shower and I had to repeat myself three times telling him to get out of the q-tip jar. I can't stand repeating myself and I finally screamed "PUT THE Q-TIPS BACK IN THE JAAAARRRRR!" And there, I turned into the screaming, growling mom I promised I wouldn't turn into. I told my husband he makes me so angry I feel like breaking him... that I'm so sick of him I can't stand it. I'm absolutely ridiculous and I probably shouldn't even be a mom. And now, half an hour later, I'm completely calmed down and I see my irrationality.

I need help. I need meds. Or something. I'm calling today before this escalates too far.

Thanks, and have a wonderful brainless weekend!

A bitch post about my husband. Who is driving me absolutely nuts this weekend.

Let's start with yesterday when I asked him to take the boys for their flu shots while I was 2 hours away out of town for work. I told him I wasn't sure if Beck would get one b/c he wasn't old enough, but to ask the doctor. Well, on my way home I called and he took Rory to the doctor but not Beck. That's right... he had his dad babysit B while he took R 5 minutes away to the doctor. Abso-fucking-re-diculous. I find it hilarious that I can take both boys grocery shopping, on errands, to doctor's appointments etc... but he can't manage a 5 minute flu shot appointment. And what a hypocrite too... he hates it when dads taking care of their kids is referred to as "babysitting" yet he has to get a babysitter when he's "on duty" taking care of the boys.

And now today.... we have a birthday party to be at at 4pm. It's 1:00 and I'm wondering where Max and the boys are... so I assumed he'd just decided to lay them down for naps at his dad's and would pick me up later. I called and Rory is JUST eating lunch. At 1:00. And hadn't napped, obviously. He "figured" he'd just let him nap on the oh-so-long 20 minute car ride home. Yeah, right... I think I've mentioned on here what a BEAR Rory is when he is woken up from naps... he'll often throw a tantrum for an hour just because he's cranky. So now Rory probably won't fall asleep until at LEAST 1:30/2 and seeing he typically takes a 2-3 hour hap he'll have to be woken up meaning he'll be a monster all afternoon for the birthday party and all evening. So I told Max to keep them there and lay him down for a nap at his dads. And wake him up at 3:15 and come pick me up. I'm sure Rory will act like raging asshole the whole car ride home after being woken up from his snooze but what's worse is Max will be short tempered with him even though its fully HIS fault that Rory didn't get a good nap.

Why can't some men just grow a brain already?

Sticks and stones...

How do you get past things that people have said to you that have hurt your feelings or crushed your trust in them?  How do you heal those wounds and begin to rebuild that relationship?  Do you? Is it possible?  Does it depend on the severity of the words?  Does it depend on the topic?  The actions of the person?  How they handled their actions (whether they apologized or not... whether they meant it or not)?  Does it depend on the stubbornness of the people on either side of the issue?

I've been pondering this a lot lately.... I've been on both sides at some time or another in my life.  I've thrown words that hurt others and I've received hurtful words aimed at me as well.  I've had many ins and outs of relationships where we (I and whoever else it is... parent, friend, husband, sibling etc) have moved past the anger/hurt/betrayal/differences and have picked up where we left off.  Sometimes it was resolved and healed quickly.  Sometimes its taken weeks or months or even years to confront those hurt feelings and move past it.

In the past year I've had a few relationships hit turmoil.  Some sprung back quickly and others haven't.   In most cases, I've always had relationships come back full circle... although sometimes they're never the same as before.  Sometimes they're better. Sometimes they're worse.  Some cases... they haven't come full circle and that is what makes me wonder.  Why?  Why is it easy to disregard other hurt feelings/arguments/disagreements but not others?   Why do some situations take longer to get over... to forgive and forget?  In some cases is it impossible to forgive and forget? 

People Watching and Wishing

Very recently, my mother in law passed away unexpectedly.   I am finding that everywhere I go I feel like I see her.  I keep seeing women that have the same haircut as her.. same body style as her... same age as her.  Its almost kind of freaky.  Maybe my mind is just in overdrive missing her and its trying to find where she has gone missing.  Is this normal?

And along those lines... I've developed a bad habit of seeing elderly people and thinking "Why not them?  Why my mother in law, who was not yet 60 years old... who had years and years ahead of her.  Why not this little old bitty at the bank who can't even figure out her accounts or better yet- hear the teller when she was trying to explain it to her.  Why my mother in law?  Why not the little old man who can't see over his steering wheel or go remotely close to the speed limit?"  I know it sounds terrible. It is terrible.  I can't stop asking why though.  Why?

Feelings

Right now I feel about my 2 year old son about the same as I feel about our hyperactive dog.  You're cute as hell and I love you to death, but some days I think it'd be quite nice if you'd just run away from home because you drive me insane.

Love you buddy. 

Pass the germs, please

Ok, I won't go on a rant about how I'm a germaphobe after ripping on another blogger for being a germaphobe. I am SO not worried about germs. I don't use those retarted grocery cart or high chair covers, I don't get grossed out if my teething baby gnaws on the nasty cart handle, I don't freak if my kids eat food off the floor or sand out of the sandbox. I'm pretty laid back on that aspect.

However, when it comes to intentionally passing around germs... ie.... exposing your sick child to other healthy children.... that just pisses me off.

My mom watches my niece occasionally, and this week she was also watching my boys. My niece threw up in the car on the way to my mom's that day and my sister still left her there to be watched by my mom who also had my two boys. Which is so irritating. She does this all the time- instead of being a parent and taking off work and staying home with her sick kid, she leaves her with other people. I guess it wouldn't be such a big deal but it seems to always happen when my kids are being watched by those same people.

So... today Rory started barfing. Lovely. I'm crossing my fingers that Beck doesn't get sick as well. A sick infant isn't something I want to deal with.

I guess I should also put some of the blame on myself as I could have not left the boys with my mom. I offered to find someone else to watch them so they weren't around my niece, but my mom insisted that she wasn't sick, that she was probably just rushed and upset that morning. Grr.

Stupid Safety

We recently spent some time at the lake and took a boat ride with Rory. I took some pictures and posted them on my regular blog. There was a picture of Rory on the boat without a life jacket (there were life jackets on the boat, but we don't typically wear them on rides. Its a pontoon boat, for petes sake). My MIL harped on my husband about why didn't Rory have a life jacket on?! They, too, have a pontoon and kids have to wear a life jacket on any boat ride. That's fine. Their boat, their rules. I totally agree that every child and person should have a life jacket on the boat, but seriously its not like a pontoon is going to go too fast and flip over or something. Yes, a rare tragic event could happen and another boat could crash into it but that would typically be VERY rare.

Anyhow... why does this bother me? Why does it irritate me (and Max) that she even had the balls to question why we didn't make him wear a life jacket? Well, let me explain a recent situation that just irks the hell out of me and then you tell me if she even had the right to mutter a word about OUR parental safety...

Recently Rory went with my inlaws out of town. They went to see fireworks with my SIL and her family and they ended up being cancelled because of a storm. There were a lot of people at the park and a lot of traffic and it was pouring down rain. Everyone piled into my inlaws van and my BIL ran through the storm to get to the other vehicle (sil and bil's van). Well, since there was so much traffic and the vehicles were so far away from eachother they figured it'd take forever to meet up.

So what did they do? They put my niece in the carseat that Rory rode in, and my other two nieces on the floor of the van and my SIL buckled my son in on her lap. My 2 year old son, riding on the freeway on her lap in an adult belt. Why even buckle him up because if they were in an accident I can guarantee the adult belt would kill him regardless. Why the hell wouldn't you use the cell phone and if needed, drive to a nearby place in the park to meet rather than drive 15 miles with my kid in an adult belt? And, why did my niece get the carseat when her mother was there to give permission for the other 2 kids to not be buckled and they didn't have permission to drive with Rory out of a carseat?

If you knew me in person you'd know how anal I am about carseats and my kids. I rarely allow him to ride in anyone else's carseats unless I've checked how it is installed and checked that the harness is adjusted correctly for my son. I don't assume and leave it up to others to make sure my son is buckled in correctly.

I was happy when Max told me that when MIL harped on him about the life vest that he said to her "Oh, and this is coming from the grandma who drove her grandkids around not in carseats?"

'Nuff said.

Are you serious?

Mom opinions kill me sometimes. I realize I'm opinionated on many parenting fronts.... and I'm sure many mom's think my opinions suck. There is a blog I read occasionally and every time this blogger posts a "My Opinion" post I always find myself thinking.... Are you kidding me? You seriously are that uptight? Like this one. This part, in particular, kills me....

"Gina and I went to Arby’s for lunch and the lady working at the register put her finger in Will’s hand. Gina walked calmly back to our table holding Will’s hand out like he touched rat poison, sat down, adeptly grabbed the antibacterial gel out of her bag and rubbed it all over his little hand. That is what I do when people do this to Preston and especially during cold season."

Serious... like RAT POISON? OMG. I hate to think what will happen with their kids are in school HAHA!

And then this recent post. Here are my thoughts on these topics.

1. I find this part a bit, offensive, I suppose:

"I'm sure those who allow regular television viewing of younger kids will say they spend plenty of quality time interacting with their children and that their kids are totally fine. I’ve been bothered by this because I don’t know how much clearer the message from the American Academy of Pediatrics could be."

I want to write "So, you're saying those of us who let their kids watch tv and think that they are totally fine are delusional and wrong and that our kids in reality are NOT fine?" My 2 year old son started watching Baby Einstein at about 3 months old. He watches age appropriate television (Little Bear, Dora, Curious George etc) nearly every morning. He has always had a great vocabulary... he said about 15 words by 11 months old and over 40 words by 14 months old. At 2 years old he can speak in complete sentences and tell stories and retell events and hold conversations with adults. He is in no way behind on vocabulary or verbal expression.

2. Staying at home... so basically she's saying that if you work in order to live in a decent sized home and drive a nice car and eat steak that you're selfish? Some people just aren't cut out to be SAHM's. Some people actually LIKE their jobs and want to still be a woman AND a mother, and believe me it IS possible.

3. I am secretly hoping Perfect Preston turns into a Terrible Eater very soon. There are many children who have always been exposed to many types of foods and still refuse to eat whats good for them. What if her child ends up like that? I wouldn't doubt that she'll be the first one to run and buy one of those books so that her germ-free-tv-free child ingests something healthy other than mac and cheese and goldish. Oh, wait, that's what they eat so that she can stay home.

Naptime Struggles

On days like today, I can almost... almost... see how parents can go berzerk and beat the living daylights out of their own child. I'm so. SO. SOOOO sick of dealing with naptime and bedtime with Rory. Its going on THREE FUCKING HOURS of him getting his little ass out of bed. I've taken toys away. I've promised a reward for staying in bed. I praised him to no end the other day for taking a good nap and not getting out of bed. I finally have resorted to swatting his butt, and now spanking. I just did the horrid "cheek pinch" and growled in his face a threat to spank him hard if he got out of bed again. Something my mother used to do. *shudder* I've turned into my mother. My fucking God... I can see why she acted the way she did. Kids are so damn irritating sometimes.

Hmm...

I need some lighter topics on this blog. I'm sounding like my entire marriage and life sucks. It doesn't, really, but this is my place to write about the bad days. And lately, life has been extremely stressful with many huge life decisions going on and we've both been just trying to get by. So, pardon all the negativity. Hopefully I'll have some lighter topics soon.

Mother's Day Update

I should probably follow up and end this dramatic story.

When Rory woke up, Max gave him a card to give to me. Two, actually. One from Rory and one from him. I opened the card from Rory and left Max's card. He acted stunned that I didn't want to open it. I told him I didn't want anything from him at this point. Gifts were not necessary, it would have been nice to just have been shown some appreciation for being the Mother of his children that day. And since he did the opposite and made me feel like a worthless piece of crap all day, his gift meant nothing to me.

We went to the inlaws. The ride over he told me we need to go to therapy or counseling or whatever. (we've discussed this recently, as we've realized that in the past 2 years we've gone downhill, become distant etc). But then he mentions that *I* need therapy by myself as well... as *I* am not myself anymore. *I* am the reason he reacts the way he does to me.

Hmm. Sure. Whatever.

He then goes on about how hurt he is that I didn't wake him up, that it was so rude of me to make him look like the bad guy etc etc. Well, that still doesn't give you reason to treat me like a piece of dirt, especially on Mother's Day.

The whole time at my inlaws he was kissing butt, trying to be nice. I told him to turn the show off and that I could see through it. It was a silent night at our house.

The next day when he got home from work he said he'd been thinking, and that I was right. He was wrong and it was his fault he didn't wake up and he was mad at himself for going back to bed and instead of taking responsibility he tried to put the blame anywhere else except for himself. He apologized and I told him fine. He still didn't apologize or acknowledge the fact that he RUINED Mother's Day for me. Instead of making me feel special and appreciated, he made me feel small and worthless and uncared for. I guess we'll see how nice I am on Father's Day....

What a GREAT Mother's Day thus far

Taste my sarcasm, please.

I woke up this morning to hearing my husband yell at Rory. Rory was up, wanted to play (it was 7:30ish) and hubby wanted to sleep on the couch (FYI... he sleeps on the couch as of lately... he snores like the world is ending, and I'm pregnant and need my sleep). I was able to sleep in for another half hour or so... and then got up to my husband STILL sleeping on the couch, Rory parked in front of the tv with a bowl of dry cereal and, well, that's it.

So I snuggled with Rory for a bit, mentally giving thanks for him that he is what made me a mother. I just love him to pieces.

I hopped in the shower as it was a bit after 8 at this point and we had plans to meet my mom for breakfast around 9/9:30. I got in the shower, was interrupted a few times by Rory (remember... husband is still SLEEPING), and finally locked the bathroom door to get some peace and quiet. I got out of the shower and heard our bedroom door shut. Max had decided 9am wasn't long enough to sleep... so he went back to our bed. Nice.

I got ready, got Rory ready and the two of us set out on Mother's Day to take ourselves out to breakfast, along with my mom. We did have a nice breakfast.

Its now almost 11:30. We're home. Max is sleeping still. Rory and I are playing.

I wonder how much more special this day can get.

*************
I finish up some laundry. Get Rory a snack for lunch (we're still both a bit full from brunch). I begin cleaning up his toys and get him ready for his nap. We're laying in bed, getting ready to cuddle and read a book when Max walks in... at 12:15pm. Just woke up.

"I thought we were going to breakfast with your mom."

"We did."

"WHAT?! Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Because you WERE up at 9am and you apparently thought you needed more sleep and went back to bed, remember?"

"I only went into our bedroom to lay down. I FORGOT we were going to breakfast!"

(no fucking shit, sherlock... to SLEEP... on MOTHER'S DAY!")

So he slammed the door. Pissed.

I laid with Rory for awhile, talking with him and playing with his hair and then decided to retreat to do some crafty stuff alone in the basement.

Max comes down here (its now almost 1pm) and barks at me about getting our brother's birthday cards, and where are they? And then "I can't believe you went without me. That's fucking rude."

Of course. Of course its my fault. Its my fault YOU chose to sleep in on Mother's Day... the day that is supposed to be for me. Its MY fault 9am wasn't good enough for you to sleep in until, and that YOU made the choice to go back to our bed to sleep more. When the fuck did you think we were going to breakfast? Are you not adult enough to think "Hmm... its 9am. If I want to get ready and be out the door for breakfast, I should get up soon."

So I sit here alone. In my office. Trying not to let tears spill down my face because of him. I'm not going to let him make me cry. I'm not letting him ruin my gratitude for my two little boys that are so precious to me. Never mind that I've spent nearly 2 years of my life incubating his children and he can't even show any appreciation for me on Mother's Day.

The only people who have told me Happy Mother's Day is my mom, my MIL, my friend and the waitress at the restaurant.

Life's a fucking bitch.

********************

I guess I'll continue to vent on here, as my day seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm trying to enjoy myself... trying to enjoy some peace and quiet in my office and catch up on blogging, internet etc etc. while Rory is sleeping.

Only... Max keeps whipping open my door to put bills away, ask where my credit card is so he can pay bills, throw a stack of papers on my desk from upstairs and tell me I need to put them away. Ask where he should file some new paperwork we have and I tell him "I don't care" and he retorts "Why do I even ask you anything?" And throughout it all he throws in some guilt jabs saying that he can't believe I didn't wake him up to go to breakfast, and that's quite possibly the rudest thing I've ever done. And once again, he looks like an ass while I look like the good guy and 'no wonder your friends all think I'm an ass.' No, honey, YOU do a good job of that on your own.

And then he asks if I bought his mom a Mother's Day card and when I say "Yes, its on the table upstairs"

he says "Which one!"

"The one to a MOM"

"OH the one I just filled out for YOUR mom, and put her gift card in and sealed?"

"I already gave my mom a card"

"Oh? Without the gift card for her?"

"Yes, I didn't know where you had put it."

"It was on the counter... the card that says ME-NARDS on it. (as if I'm an idiot) Well, NOW the card is filled out for YOUR mom."

"Well, I guess you need to go to the store and buy your mom another card!"

"Why don't you just sit down here on the computer all day! Don't even go today. Don't even go with us" (we have plans to eat dinner with his family this evening)

Door slams. Tears fall.

I guess I'm not supposed to enjoy this day whatsover.

Husband and unfair schedules

Where do I start. Well... lets get some background. My husband is taking night classes to get a degree. He's gone 2-3 night a week each trimester (his school has trimesters rather than semesters). His classes are usually 6-10pm and he's usually out the door at 5pm, rarely eating dinner with us on those nights. This past trimester has sucked... I'm pregnant, he's been gone 3 nights a week, Rory has been in his terrible twos, and husband has also decided he wants to be on a weekly golf league. I thought that was fair, since he doesn't really have "him" time. I go out about once a month with some girlfriends for "me" time, and I plan time inbetween those nights to have a few hours to myself.

Now... lately I feel like I rarely get any help around the house. I'm home along 3-4 nights a week with a two year old and when Max gets home after class or golf he goes straight to bed. Those 3-4 nights I'm practically a single mom, left with all the housework. Yes, he helps out on the other nights/days that he's home... but how is it fair that I don't get any help on the nights he has class/golf?

And... how would HE feel if I did a weekly "girls night" for myself? Well... let me tell you. I brought all this to his attention. Told him that while I support him and encourage him to do things for himself (golf) and I have no problem with it, I do have a problem when his involvement around the house and helping me/his family is slacking. I suggested he drop the golf league in exchange for a monthly "guys night" of golf just like I have my monthly "girls night."

Well... he didn't like that. He argued that he supported us while I was in school for 5 years (although...we didn't have kids then... and even when I was in school full time I still made the same income as I do now as I work part time now, so my income for our family has not changed) and that now is his time to be in school. Mind you... I bugged him for YEARS before we had kids to go to school and he complained that we couldn't afford it then. However... we take out student loans now, and thats the same that we'd have done back then. I tried to argue that yes we have kids now, but that doesn't mean he gets to slack on house/family duties on the nights he has class. He made the choice to wait until we had kids to go to school so that is what he has to sacrifice.

Anyhow... he basically could not see my point of view... he tried to say he does do his fair share. But my word.... for him to do anything I have to ASK. When I come home from work I immediately pick up things around the house. What does he do when he comes home? Checks his email and goes to bed (or.. nights he doesn't have class/ golf... he watches tv or plays with Rory... doesn't voluntarily do housework unless I've requested his help).

So, I told him fine. You have your three nights a week you're out of the house. You take your WEEKLY guys night. I'm going to start planning a WEEKLY girls night for myself... Fridays are now MY night, so don't plan to see me on Friday's. He stuttered and tried to change the stipulations and say that Fri, Sat, Sun are "family" days... that I should do my thing on Wednesdays. OH NO... don't try to dictate when *I* get to do my thing when I'm stuck in this house three nights a week while you're away and responsibility free.

BLEH! I know this is rambling. I'm just fuming. I hate to take a night a week away from our family time... it makes me feel guilty. We already have barely any time as a family together because his schedule is so packed, but how else do I the point across to him that at this point him taking a weekly night to himself is SELFISH and unfair to me? I have no problem if he did a monthly deal like I do, but I guess that's not enough for him. I suppose I'll just have to be selfish as well and hope he'll see how me being gone one measly night a week is not so fun... and that I have to be home while he's gone THREE nights a week.

Am I being completely unreasonable???

I could wring my husbands neck right now...

I just got our AT&T bill... the one that is a "bundle service"... our home phone, long distance, high speed internet, digital cable and cell phone all wrapped in one.

Its $100 more this month than normal. Why? Because my husband purchased a $55 PPV of a fucking Wrestlemania Match. He paid $55 fucking dollars to watch moronic adult men kick the shit out of each other with metal chairs.

On top of that one purchase, there were about $15 in other PPV movie purchases as well. And he wonders why we're so broke all the time... let's see... he constantly brings home ice cream from the local Dairy Treat, he comes home with Subway or take out or fast food after his night classes instead of just eating our food when he gets home... gee.. all that ADDS UP!

UGHHHH!

I think I need a new dishwasher....

Mine is about 5'9", dark hair, dark eyes and seems to be broken.

I've left (very nice) instructions each morning to PLEASE wash up the dishes in the sink and the past two mornings I've woken to a sink full of dirty dishes.

Bleh! Not a fun way to start the day.

See... Max and I have a deal....
I do laundry.
He often folds/puts away the clean laundry.
He washes dishes.
I often put away the clean dishes.

Its a good trade off. However, I find that I'm constantly staring at a sink full of dirty dishes. Is it THAT hard to take 10 minutes at the end of the day to clean up the sink??

If we had room in the kitchen in this house... we'd have bought a dishwasher years ago. Just to save us arguments over something so petty. Kind of like how I'm seriously contemplating having a cleaning lady come once a month to do that "deep cleaning" that I always end up doing... and then resenting Max because I'm always the one who thinks to clean the baseboards and behind the toilet and all that fun stuff...

Pushing limits

I have this family member.. "E".. who is overweight. She has a ton of health issues and it got to the point where her doctor's said she needed to take some drastic measures or she wouldn't be around in 5 or so years.

She had gastric bypass surgery. She did really well for awhile and dropped a lot of weight. The main rules Max and I kept hearing were "eat small portions" "no soda" "no drinks with meals" and "no drinking out of straws." Well, over time, E seemed to get comfortable with her new lifestyle and began pushing the limits. Which doesn't surprise me with most people with eating disorders. We began noticing her eating larger portions... more equivalent to portions a normal person would eat. She was drinking liquids with her meals. She'd drink soda, insistent that it didn't bother her stomach.

Well, a few years now have gone by since her surgery and she's obviously gained weight back. Not all of it, but some. My husband is always at the verge of opening his mouth when he sees her "breaking the rules" but I've told him that he needs to keep quiet. Its not our place to say anything... its not our life. She knows the risks and knows where her life could end up if she keeps gaining.

What is irritating is that while Max will say things to E's husband ("EH") about E's eating habits, and he pushes them off like 'Oh it doesn't bother her... she can handle it"... he still babies her. She was in the hospital recently and she had to drink out of a straw per the nurses orders. EH gave the nurse a hard time, saying she was NOT supposed to be drinking out of a straw because of her gastric bypass surgery. Max and I sat by, both wanting to open our mouths thinking "Oh, so now because she's in the hospital its ok to "follow the rules" but when she's at home she can break all sorts of them, even if she normally doesn't drink from a straw."

Anyhow, we obviously kept our mouths shut, and EH finally stopped harassing the nurse and agreed that "Ok, its fine THIS ONE TIME if she drinks from a straw."

Bleh. How annoying.

Friendships and Honesty

How much honestly and openness is good in a friendship? I mean, about "issues..."

See, a long time ago I used to be one of those people who could bitch about things but never had the guts to say or do anything about it. And, for some reason, recently I've just felt more open... more easily able to confront people when I have issues. Not that I do this verbally or to their face. Email is my method of choice. Maybe not the best, I suppose.

Now, it seems that anytime I DO confront a friend over an issue or irritation that I have, I end up not being friends with them. Maybe I come across too rude or mean, or I just say the wrong things. Maybe I shouldn't be 100% honest about my feelings.

I guess I've always felt it was best to be open about issues that bother you... I used to feel like such a coward for not being able to say what I really felt, but it seems that now that I have that courage that it always backfires. Have we become a society that is too sensitive and can't handle any constructive criticism or conflict?

Spiraling out of control

This will be my first "official" post. And I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I am spiraling out of control.. my thoughts, emotions, relationships with people and everything. Where do I begin?

It started with an issue with my sister. She's pregnant with her second child out of wedlock and she has always depended on family to take care of her child and she also received some state assistance (low cost housing, FIA for daycare etc...). She announced she was pregnant again by a different guy and that they weren't together. I tried to keep my mouth shut, but she retorted by calling me judgmental so I lit into her and told her exactly what I thought and what everyone else thought behind her back. Its just out of control. I feel better that I let off some steam, but then I'm left thinking I should have just kept my mouth shut and not rocked the boat. Anyone else ever do that?

And then I find something out about a friend... she and her husband pretty much can't stand my husband. I knew she had an anonymous blog online and I just happened to check it today and found her only post thus far was about my family... how she can't stand my husband and her husband can't stand him either. Kind of makes for some awkward get togethers in the future. I don't know if I should bring this to her attention that I know their feelings towards my husband, or if I should just keep my mouth shut.

I guess it all stems from me not being able to keep my mouth shut! I am judgmental. I have strong opinions on things and sometimes I feel its best to just be open about it. But then I often find that it backfires.

I vent about my husband a lot. Well, most would say I "bitch" about my husband a lot. I love him, but my word sometimes he drives me crazy and I just need to vent. And now I feel bad about writing on my regular blog about him because I'm thinking that everyone thinks he's a total ass.

And then I go back to this "finding" with a friend and wonder.... is he really an ass? If they don't like him... what does that mean? I guess I feel that way because they're the type of people who give this presence that they have this perfect, holy marriage and they're so respectful to eachother and blah blah blah.

Well, this is becoming quite rambling. I might need to come back to edit and make it more understandable. Maybe I'll elaborate in another post each of these topics. Right now I need to just write it down and get it out.

Move In Day!

Ahh... I'm so excited for my secret pink apartment. My safe haven... my place to rant and vent and let it all out without wondering who is reading and who knows me and what they are thinking. I have lots of blogs, and up until now I've been quite open with my feelings and thoughts on those blogs but I just can't help but sometimes feel guilty for being so "real." Blogging and journaling is very theraputic to me. Sometimes (sometimes more often than others) I just need to get things off my chest and hear back from others who have been there, done that (or at least can empathize with me). So, here is my place to be 100% real and 100% anonymous.

Today is move in day and I can't wait to get settled, get my furniture arranged, decorate a bit and settle in and meet my neighbors. Hopefully I'll find some great friends here in the Pink Apartments and find this safe haven to be therapeutic.