I'm calling my doctor to see about getting on meds. I hate that I feel that I'm falling into the "pop a pill and be happy" group of Americans but I feel that its come down to that or soon I may flip and hurt my 2 year old. Its that bad.
My mom always was a yeller/screamer/thrower and would get into terrible rages when she was mad. I remember being so scared of her when she was in a rage. She calmed down now that us kids are out of the house (and ironically, she's a huge softie with her grandchildren). As a teen I remember swearing I wouldn't have kids until I had controlled that rage... until I had figured out how to manage angry, frustrated, stressed out and over the top feelings. Well, I never did.
It used to be a once in awhile deal... I'd be overly stressed with too many things to do at once and Rory would get in my way and I'd flip and scream at him. Things like "Get out of my face! GO AWAY!" and I don't mean like a firm voice... this is a screaming lunatic, lost-it for sure scream. When I picture myself in this scene, my eyes are read and bulging and I'm breathing fire.
Slowly it turned to more like once a month. And recently once a week. Now the rage is over the top and I flip out a few times a week and my reactions are getting worse and worse. I feel my blood boil... my heart start pounding, my lungs ache and logically I know that whatever I do or say is ridiculous and I should be an adult and not swear, scream, threaten, spank my child but the illogical part of me keeps control and I do it anyway until I feel better. I just can not reason with myself when I'm this angry. And its not like its huge things that are sending me over the top.
Last week Rory was getting into my stuff (he's 2, for pete's sake... I can say this now and think "what an ass I was" but at the moment....). Anyhow, he messed with something that was very important to me because he was trying to make room for his toy cars. I flipped out and screamed at him to "Get the fuck out. Get your SHIT out of here and get the hell out of my face!" All while throwing his cars wildly out of the room. He stood stunned. I knew in my head what I was saying/doing was terrible. I knew I would be ashamed once I calmed down, but I could. not. stop. myself.
Last week I told a couple friends what was happening. How I get so angry with Rory and at naptime one day after 2 hours of fucking around I went in his room and pinched his cheeks so hard that it crossed my mind I could leave a bruise and growled at him through clenched teeth to stay in bed. How I spank him instead of using more reasonable discipline methods, even though I hate spanking. They told me I need to talk to a doctor. I need to get meds. I was floored. I thought everyone did this. I went home and apologized to Rory in the middle of the night and vowed to try to control my anger, to be more patient, to not get so frustrated.
That was 2 days ago and I've already broken that vow. Rory was up early- time change has us fucked up. I let him get up and play in his room while I got ready for work and he was being so loud. Getting into the q-tip jar. Shutting doors loudly. Walking loudly on our hardwood floors. I didn't want him to wake Beck up as I have to get ready with both boys and that alone is enough to stress me out. I was in the shower and I had to repeat myself three times telling him to get out of the q-tip jar. I can't stand repeating myself and I finally screamed "PUT THE Q-TIPS BACK IN THE JAAAARRRRR!" And there, I turned into the screaming, growling mom I promised I wouldn't turn into. I told my husband he makes me so angry I feel like breaking him... that I'm so sick of him I can't stand it. I'm absolutely ridiculous and I probably shouldn't even be a mom. And now, half an hour later, I'm completely calmed down and I see my irrationality.
I need help. I need meds. Or something. I'm calling today before this escalates too far.
My mom always was a yeller/screamer/thrower and would get into terrible rages when she was mad. I remember being so scared of her when she was in a rage. She calmed down now that us kids are out of the house (and ironically, she's a huge softie with her grandchildren). As a teen I remember swearing I wouldn't have kids until I had controlled that rage... until I had figured out how to manage angry, frustrated, stressed out and over the top feelings. Well, I never did.
It used to be a once in awhile deal... I'd be overly stressed with too many things to do at once and Rory would get in my way and I'd flip and scream at him. Things like "Get out of my face! GO AWAY!" and I don't mean like a firm voice... this is a screaming lunatic, lost-it for sure scream. When I picture myself in this scene, my eyes are read and bulging and I'm breathing fire.
Slowly it turned to more like once a month. And recently once a week. Now the rage is over the top and I flip out a few times a week and my reactions are getting worse and worse. I feel my blood boil... my heart start pounding, my lungs ache and logically I know that whatever I do or say is ridiculous and I should be an adult and not swear, scream, threaten, spank my child but the illogical part of me keeps control and I do it anyway until I feel better. I just can not reason with myself when I'm this angry. And its not like its huge things that are sending me over the top.
Last week Rory was getting into my stuff (he's 2, for pete's sake... I can say this now and think "what an ass I was" but at the moment....). Anyhow, he messed with something that was very important to me because he was trying to make room for his toy cars. I flipped out and screamed at him to "Get the fuck out. Get your SHIT out of here and get the hell out of my face!" All while throwing his cars wildly out of the room. He stood stunned. I knew in my head what I was saying/doing was terrible. I knew I would be ashamed once I calmed down, but I could. not. stop. myself.
Last week I told a couple friends what was happening. How I get so angry with Rory and at naptime one day after 2 hours of fucking around I went in his room and pinched his cheeks so hard that it crossed my mind I could leave a bruise and growled at him through clenched teeth to stay in bed. How I spank him instead of using more reasonable discipline methods, even though I hate spanking. They told me I need to talk to a doctor. I need to get meds. I was floored. I thought everyone did this. I went home and apologized to Rory in the middle of the night and vowed to try to control my anger, to be more patient, to not get so frustrated.
That was 2 days ago and I've already broken that vow. Rory was up early- time change has us fucked up. I let him get up and play in his room while I got ready for work and he was being so loud. Getting into the q-tip jar. Shutting doors loudly. Walking loudly on our hardwood floors. I didn't want him to wake Beck up as I have to get ready with both boys and that alone is enough to stress me out. I was in the shower and I had to repeat myself three times telling him to get out of the q-tip jar. I can't stand repeating myself and I finally screamed "PUT THE Q-TIPS BACK IN THE JAAAARRRRR!" And there, I turned into the screaming, growling mom I promised I wouldn't turn into. I told my husband he makes me so angry I feel like breaking him... that I'm so sick of him I can't stand it. I'm absolutely ridiculous and I probably shouldn't even be a mom. And now, half an hour later, I'm completely calmed down and I see my irrationality.
I need help. I need meds. Or something. I'm calling today before this escalates too far.
4 comments:
Wow, I'm glad you recognize that you need some help beyond what you can do for yourself, and that you want to stop the cycle before it repeats itself. I hope that you're able to find some answers in going to the doctor, whether it's medication, or therapy, or a combination of both.
Good luck to you.
I don't think anyone would call this a "popping a happy pill" situation.
There is no shame in needing medication. Your brain just isn't producing something it needs. You'd easily go on antibiotocs for an infection, right? Think of it the same way. This is something you NEED. I was on anti-depressants for a number of years. I went on for the very same reason you have described. I am so glad I did.
Getting help right now is in no way looking for a "happy fix." For your children's safety you NEED to do this. I would definitely suggest therapy, too, talk therapy to work on anger management techniques. It really can help enormously. But in the meantime, you're absolutely right, you need to do something to make sure you don't seriously hurt/traumatize your kids. Good luck, and good for your for seeing how things really are and doing something about it!
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