I had my doctors appointment today to discuss my anger/irritability episodes. I am a little disappointed in that I thought he was going to tell me I had a problem... that something was wrong... that I had a mental issue or bipolar disease or PPD or depression or something. Something to explain why I can't get a grip.
He told me I was stressed. That I was NORMAL.... that having 2 kids is harder than one and that stress can set a person over the edge. That these feelings were normal and I wasn't a bad mom. As much as I love my doctor, I can't help but feel like he's being overly courteous and not just laying it out there and saying "You're a nutcase... who yells and swears at their kid for getting in the q-tip jar?"
He did question quite a bit about if it seemed to be happening primarily before I started my period, which these past few episodes were. And, tmi, but now that I've started my period I've had quite a streak of pretty laid back, no stress days. As in, I am handling the 2 year old getting into everything moments better rather than screaming I'm reacting in a NORMAL way... the way I want and need to be reacting. I guess I should have been a little more in touch with myself and monitored these "episodes" more closely.
I explained to him that I feel like I can't reason with myself, that I feel my heart race, my palms ache, that my mom did this when I was younger, that I swear at him over nothing. Good God I got teary eyed in his office telling him I feel like I don't deserve my kids. And he told me it was normal. I'm normal. I'm stressed. He told me to take time to myself... which I already do. I'm pretty good to myself when it comes to "me" time. I make sure I have it.
He did put me on a low dose of Paxil. I'm afraid to take it... not sure what I'm afraid of but today I just stood there staring at the bottle... a little surreal that a bottle of Paxil has my name on it.
Tomorrow I'm taking my first pill in the morning. I have a follow up appointment the end of December, so hopefully things go well between now and then.
He told me I was stressed. That I was NORMAL.... that having 2 kids is harder than one and that stress can set a person over the edge. That these feelings were normal and I wasn't a bad mom. As much as I love my doctor, I can't help but feel like he's being overly courteous and not just laying it out there and saying "You're a nutcase... who yells and swears at their kid for getting in the q-tip jar?"
He did question quite a bit about if it seemed to be happening primarily before I started my period, which these past few episodes were. And, tmi, but now that I've started my period I've had quite a streak of pretty laid back, no stress days. As in, I am handling the 2 year old getting into everything moments better rather than screaming I'm reacting in a NORMAL way... the way I want and need to be reacting. I guess I should have been a little more in touch with myself and monitored these "episodes" more closely.
I explained to him that I feel like I can't reason with myself, that I feel my heart race, my palms ache, that my mom did this when I was younger, that I swear at him over nothing. Good God I got teary eyed in his office telling him I feel like I don't deserve my kids. And he told me it was normal. I'm normal. I'm stressed. He told me to take time to myself... which I already do. I'm pretty good to myself when it comes to "me" time. I make sure I have it.
He did put me on a low dose of Paxil. I'm afraid to take it... not sure what I'm afraid of but today I just stood there staring at the bottle... a little surreal that a bottle of Paxil has my name on it.
Tomorrow I'm taking my first pill in the morning. I have a follow up appointment the end of December, so hopefully things go well between now and then.
4 comments:
It's so frustrating to me that all the media is all, "Ask for help when you need it!"---and then when we ask for help, we get "You don't need help."
I don't think you're a nutcase at all. Having been there myself I know how it feels and I think maybe your doctor is the nutcase. I have felt the very same way and no it's not normal, it's not just stress. It's way more than that. Anyway, I'm so glad your doc gave you a prescription for Paxil. It will definitley help. I feel like Zoloft saved my life. Really.
I have to second Swistle- it is so frustrating to get mixed messages regarding mental health. There was awhile there, a few months after my second kid was born, when I truly wondered if I didn't maybe need some kind of meds to stabilize my thought process, because I was SO prone to negativity and fearfulness and kind of obsessively dwelling on every possible worst case scenario. But when I finally got up the nerve to talk to people about it, they would say, " You're fine, it's normal, everyone gets sad after babies, you'd know for SURE if something was really wrong..." I think people close to you can just kind of be in denial about the reality of your state of mind.
I eventually got through it without drugs, but I think they would have helped me feel better and be a more upbeat, fun mom a lot faster. Good for you for making that appointment. Seriously.
After reading a few posts I wanted to comment - I wanted to do it anonymously, but that isn't an option. It's just that when you talked about screaming "get the fuck out" or whatever it was and throwing things some of the comments made me feel like they thought you had a serious problem.
It's just. I'm not saying, "yay, great job at parenting" or anything but what I am saying is that the way we learn the most is by observing behavior in others. Especially when we are little - if that is how your family handled anger (throwing things, yelling), that is how you've been 'taught' (even if accidetally) to handle your anger. For you it is 'normal' even if not acceptable.
It's not as nutty for you to do that as it would be for someone to do it who had never been around anyone responding that way to frustrating situations.
Learning how to cope with anger in a more productive way is not easy and it may take counseling or even anti-depressants (I'm not Tom Cruise about them, but in general I think they should be a last resort instead of the first thing people turn to for help).
The other thing - and this will sound nut-and-berry crazy perhaps. I'm not a nut-and-berry kind of person - but the older I get the more I am in tune with my body and how it reacts. I got this way mostly because I get migraines and I've learned over the years to track things like what did I eat before the migraine, was I sleeping enough, was I stressed, was it raining?, etc.
Before I go on I want to point out that there are a lot of people who watch what their children ingest because they notice a difference in their behavior depending on what they eat (things like this article: http://www.healthline.com/blogs/diet_nutrition/2007/09/preservatives-and-behavior-in-children.html). I don't notice my kids having these issues, my point is that people often are keenly aware of how what kids ingest affects their personalities - but I never see articles that comment on the same thing in adults.
Which brings me to my point (and you thought I'd never get here)...
I used to be very rage-y, the same way you described. It took me awhile but I finally noticed a pattern - whenever I eat too much sugar (or things that metabolize like sugar: potatoes, pasta) - I get much more angry - not that it makes me angry, I just don't cope well if I do get angry. Ice cream seems to be the worst for me.
Whenever I'm like that it's almost like I can see myself acting that way and I'm appalled, but I keep doing it anyway. After I feel like how an alcoholic must feel - apologizing for acting like such a jerk and how I didn't really mean it, blah blah blah.
I've never read anything to suggest that sugar can trigger this - I'm not diabetic but am borderline ("impaired") and had gestational diabetes. I'm sure my body doesn't handle it as well as it should - but why it triggers a rage like temper in me I can't explain.
I just know that it does so I avoid eating too much - and I never have ice cream. :) My kids still do things that annoy (what is that?? you drew on the wall with a Sharpie???!!) but I generally handle it calmly (but still annoyed!!) now that I've cut most of the sugar out of my diet.
My point isn't that you have sugar issues but only that perhaps keeping track of the other variables involved might help you find out if there is something you can control (like sugar for me) that will help.
Maybe this is just babbling crap but I wanted to share my experience just in case it might help.
kim
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