Disappointing doctors appointment

I had my doctors appointment today to discuss my anger/irritability episodes. I am a little disappointed in that I thought he was going to tell me I had a problem... that something was wrong... that I had a mental issue or bipolar disease or PPD or depression or something. Something to explain why I can't get a grip.

He told me I was stressed. That I was NORMAL.... that having 2 kids is harder than one and that stress can set a person over the edge. That these feelings were normal and I wasn't a bad mom. As much as I love my doctor, I can't help but feel like he's being overly courteous and not just laying it out there and saying "You're a nutcase... who yells and swears at their kid for getting in the q-tip jar?"

He did question quite a bit about if it seemed to be happening primarily before I started my period, which these past few episodes were. And, tmi, but now that I've started my period I've had quite a streak of pretty laid back, no stress days. As in, I am handling the 2 year old getting into everything moments better rather than screaming I'm reacting in a NORMAL way... the way I want and need to be reacting. I guess I should have been a little more in touch with myself and monitored these "episodes" more closely.

I explained to him that I feel like I can't reason with myself, that I feel my heart race, my palms ache, that my mom did this when I was younger, that I swear at him over nothing. Good God I got teary eyed in his office telling him I feel like I don't deserve my kids. And he told me it was normal. I'm normal. I'm stressed. He told me to take time to myself... which I already do. I'm pretty good to myself when it comes to "me" time. I make sure I have it.

He did put me on a low dose of Paxil. I'm afraid to take it... not sure what I'm afraid of but today I just stood there staring at the bottle... a little surreal that a bottle of Paxil has my name on it.

Tomorrow I'm taking my first pill in the morning. I have a follow up appointment the end of December, so hopefully things go well between now and then.

Mommy one second, Monster the next

I'm calling my doctor to see about getting on meds. I hate that I feel that I'm falling into the "pop a pill and be happy" group of Americans but I feel that its come down to that or soon I may flip and hurt my 2 year old. Its that bad.

My mom always was a yeller/screamer/thrower and would get into terrible rages when she was mad. I remember being so scared of her when she was in a rage. She calmed down now that us kids are out of the house (and ironically, she's a huge softie with her grandchildren). As a teen I remember swearing I wouldn't have kids until I had controlled that rage... until I had figured out how to manage angry, frustrated, stressed out and over the top feelings. Well, I never did.

It used to be a once in awhile deal... I'd be overly stressed with too many things to do at once and Rory would get in my way and I'd flip and scream at him. Things like "Get out of my face! GO AWAY!" and I don't mean like a firm voice... this is a screaming lunatic, lost-it for sure scream. When I picture myself in this scene, my eyes are read and bulging and I'm breathing fire.

Slowly it turned to more like once a month. And recently once a week. Now the rage is over the top and I flip out a few times a week and my reactions are getting worse and worse. I feel my blood boil... my heart start pounding, my lungs ache and logically I know that whatever I do or say is ridiculous and I should be an adult and not swear, scream, threaten, spank my child but the illogical part of me keeps control and I do it anyway until I feel better. I just can not reason with myself when I'm this angry. And its not like its huge things that are sending me over the top.

Last week Rory was getting into my stuff (he's 2, for pete's sake... I can say this now and think "what an ass I was" but at the moment....). Anyhow, he messed with something that was very important to me because he was trying to make room for his toy cars. I flipped out and screamed at him to "Get the fuck out. Get your SHIT out of here and get the hell out of my face!" All while throwing his cars wildly out of the room. He stood stunned. I knew in my head what I was saying/doing was terrible. I knew I would be ashamed once I calmed down, but I could. not. stop. myself.

Last week I told a couple friends what was happening. How I get so angry with Rory and at naptime one day after 2 hours of fucking around I went in his room and pinched his cheeks so hard that it crossed my mind I could leave a bruise and growled at him through clenched teeth to stay in bed. How I spank him instead of using more reasonable discipline methods, even though I hate spanking. They told me I need to talk to a doctor. I need to get meds. I was floored. I thought everyone did this. I went home and apologized to Rory in the middle of the night and vowed to try to control my anger, to be more patient, to not get so frustrated.

That was 2 days ago and I've already broken that vow. Rory was up early- time change has us fucked up. I let him get up and play in his room while I got ready for work and he was being so loud. Getting into the q-tip jar. Shutting doors loudly. Walking loudly on our hardwood floors. I didn't want him to wake Beck up as I have to get ready with both boys and that alone is enough to stress me out. I was in the shower and I had to repeat myself three times telling him to get out of the q-tip jar. I can't stand repeating myself and I finally screamed "PUT THE Q-TIPS BACK IN THE JAAAARRRRR!" And there, I turned into the screaming, growling mom I promised I wouldn't turn into. I told my husband he makes me so angry I feel like breaking him... that I'm so sick of him I can't stand it. I'm absolutely ridiculous and I probably shouldn't even be a mom. And now, half an hour later, I'm completely calmed down and I see my irrationality.

I need help. I need meds. Or something. I'm calling today before this escalates too far.