Hi

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Nicole Barczak

How dare you

How dare you judge me on what type of language I use around my children.

How dare you tell me that *I* need to set an example for my children and avoid occasional curse words.

How dare you...

Because what examples are YOU teaching your children?

That having 2 kids with 2 different fathers is ok?

That not being married to either of those fathers is ok?

That living in government assisted housing is ok?

How dare you act like my occasional swearing in front of my children is the worst thing in the world.   Children learn that there are adult beverages that they can not have.  Children learn that there are adult activities they cannot participate in (driving cars, using the oven).  They can also learn that there are adult words they should not use.

But you.  Your children will never learn what it is like to live in a family.  With their mom and dad in one home.  In one home paid for by the hard work of that mom and dad.

And that, my dear, is sad. 

Longing

This post may sound incredibly selfish and I'm sure will hit a sore note with at least a small percentage of readers (if there really are any readers.... if not, no big deal LOL!).

We have 2 little boys.  Two healthy, happy, active and loving little boys.  And yet my heart longs for a daughter....  I know I should be thankful for the children I have.  For the ability to be able to HAVE my own children.  For my easy fertility, my healthy pregnancies, my uneventful labors and my wonderfully amazing little boys.

I have no other way to explain it than this.... You know how you hear people say that they know their "soul mate" is out there... a spouse they are meant to be with, they long for and know they will someday be with but have not found them yet?  This is how I feel.  This is how I feel when I think of our family, our family of 4, with two little boys.  I feel that somewhere, somewhere out there is my daughter and I just have not met her yet.  She has not joined our family and our family is not complete.  Not complete at all. 

I will admit... when I found out Beck was a boy I was selfishly devastated for about a week.  I longed to have a little girl and I went so far as to begin searching for sperm sorting facilities and adoption options for adding a 3rd child to our family.  I was anxious to get to the end of my pregnancy with Beck so I could move on and become this mother of two boys and look into options for having the daughter I dreamed of.

Now, I looove my boys.  I do.  I adore them with every little crevice of my heart and ounce of my being.  But I can't shake this feeling, this yearning, this aching that somewhere there is a little girl who belongs in our family... who has two older brothers who will dote on her and protect her.

Max and I have discussed options for a 3rd child and possibly a 4th.  I so desperately want to adopt but I'm terrified of the costs.  We are drowning in student loan debt and I can't fathom how we'd afford another $30,000 for adoption fees.  However, my dreams return again and again and again of a little daughter from China in our family. I read adoption blogs and I feel my stomach churn, my heart race and I feel so familiar... like I know there is a little girl out there like them for us.  That our story should be like theirs... the journey, the struggle, the waiting, the excitement, the disappointment, the edge of your seat anticipation. 

We've also discussed having a 3rd biological child and regardless of gender adopting a 4th once our three are all at least in full time school.  I think we're leaning toward this option more or less because at this time we are financially unable to afford adoption fees.  And then my selfishness comes in.  I am terrified... so incredibly terrified that we will have a 3rd boy and something will fall through and inhibit us from adopting.  I've secretly contemplated not finding out the gender of a 3rd biological child for if I find out at delivery I can excuse my tears for tears of joy, not tears of sadness for the "loss" of a "daughter" that never was. 

I don't want to dismiss my love for a 3rd boy.... I would love him to pieces as I love my Rory and Beck.  My boys are such different and fun little people that I know a 3rd would be something new all over again.  It just wouldn't be the daughter I dream of.  The daughter I wish and long for. 

Grandparents are dropping like flies... though not in the typical way

I most definitely can't post this on my regular blog as my mother reads.  Maybe it would be better to do so and get my feelings out in the open but I prefer not to. She knows how I feel without me even saying a thing. 

 

Awhile back, oh 7 year or so ago, my mom up and moved out of state to the East Coast to be with a man she met on vacation.  She's a southerner, beach girl at heart and she's always hated this state we live in with its cold winters.  Funny that that's where she chose to live while she and my dad raised us.  Why, I wonder?  Probably because our family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, were here.

 

So, she moved.  And she left my pre-teen brother behind to live with my dad.  My dad who has no parenting skills and pretty much let my brother do whatever he pleased.  He's now supposed to be a senior but isn't going to be gradutating because he's failed so many classes, missed to much school.  And my mom wonders what happened.

Anyhow, she moved back "home" about 3 years ago.  She left the asshole she married- an alcoholic who was verbally abusive and slightly off his mental rocker. 

 

She never actually divorced him.

 

She told me last night she was thinking about taking a job back on the East Coast.  Which means she's taking it.  I was livid, but had nothing to say to her.

 

I spoke with my grandma and she said she (mom) had been talking to "ex" asshole husband about getting back together.  Which means she's moving back with him. 

 

I don't know what this is going to do to Rory.  His other grandma just passed away (so prematurely) last fall and now the grandma that he is obsessed with (as in... EVERY DAY tells me he misses her even if he saw her just the day before) is moving 12 hours away. 

 

I know my mom thinks Rory will be able to come stay with her for a week or so in the summer and what not but to hell if my children are going to go visit her alone (if at all!) and be around a maniac, an alcoholic, who verbally abuses their grandma.  I don't care if he has been sick and has stopped drinking. 

 

So she's moving.  Away from all of her family and off to live with an asshole who deserves every bit of sickness he has.  And now my children's only "active" grandparents in their life will be my grandma and Max's dad.  My dad has little to do with the kids, Max's mom passed away and now my mom is moving.   Fan-fucking-tastic.

 

It was like watching a show

On Easter Sunday we went to church, as normal. The church was packed probably double what it normally is (what is it about holidays that people feel the need to go to church but not at all throughout the year?). Anyhow, as we're singing and my sister is sitting in the row in front of us, I glance down and who, of all people, walks in and takes an empty chair at the end of the row she's sitting in. The baby-daddy. HAHAHAH! I about died laughing. It was like watching a competition of "Who can be the best church attender." Hmm... I can just see it in court "Well, I go to church and take Baby with me." "So what, I do too!" "Well, you never went until I started to go to church." Blah blah blah. Its such a show.

This and that

There have been lots of things I've filed away in my brain to post about.  Lots of things I want to blog, to try to sort out, to vent about but can't on my regular blog.

• Changes: for real or superficial?
  Awhile back I had a falling out with a friend.  Basically, she was in a rough spot in her life, was very negative and I tried to bring it to her attention.  She took it the wrong way, my efforts backfired, she dug up dirt from a previous situation that I never new was an issue and well, nuclear war began.  Mean words passed back and forth... exaggerated accusations... the works.  Her blog posts were constantly negative, whining and pessimistic.  Well, since we've not been friends of course I still blog stalk (as she does mine and occasionally comments) and her posts are a complete 180.  Positive and lighthearted and happy. 
  
  I've had falling outs with friends and typically they are rebuilt and refreshed.  This friendship... well, after the fact I really had no desire to have anything to do with her.  The loss of the friendship was not significant to me (despite that before we "broke up" she was easily one of my closest friends even though we live in different states).   I hated her for the things she spit in my face.  I hated that she took my words and twisted them.  I thought I'd never care if I was friends with her again.
  
  Since then, we've both apologized and admitted we hate that our friendship failed.  We haven't become friends but I'd say we're cordial with eachother online.  I read her posts now and feel so sad that we've both missed out on so much of eachothers lives... so many momentous things... good and bad... I feel sad that we're not close, that we're not friends... that she's not calling me with her great news, which would be a complete 180 from how our friendship ended--- her always calling me to complain or whine.  Why could she not be this way when we were friends?  Or... is this just a facade?  Is it a show to appear happy?  To appear different? 
  
  I suppose I'll never know. 
  

• Vacationing: once bitten twice shy... or something like that
  A good friend of mine recently suggested that we take a family vacation next year to a beach.  Sounds great... our kids are similar ages and in theory, it sounds like an amazing time.  However, I've done the friend vacationing before and in 2 separate cases my husband and I, or our family, or something like that has proven to be frienship breakers.  I guess, in others opinions, there is something about vacationing with my family that is unpleasing.  So... while this friend and her family are so fun to hang out with, we all get along great... I'm a little skittish at the idea of doing a vacation with them for fear that it would ruin our frienship.  However, her husband is quite laid back and they are pretty non-judgmental so maybe they would be able to overlook/embrace our flaws without demolishing our friendship? 
  
  
• Back off of my space:  being territorial about "my" church
  My sister... which I've blogged here about quite a few times.... has recently began attending my church.  (My church which I've been slacking on attending in the past few months).  Last week she "invited" me to "my" church... well, to go with her.  She said she felt like she "needs to be saved" from her baby-daddy-drama situation.  Whatever... we all need to be "saved".  What irritates me is that it seems like she's only doing this... going to church... trying to be involved... because her 2nd baby's daddy (ugh how I hate how that sounds) is taking her to court to determine custody/parenting time.  So it seems she's trying to make herself out to be some holy roller.  I should be glad/proud that she's trying to make a change but I can't help but be skeptical that its for the wrong reasons.
  

Makin' our tax dollars work

I swear... I hate being such a hater. I hate being so annoyed and so..... soo.... judgmental.

But, I am. So fuck it.

Here goes.

Remember my sister... the one who was pregnant a second time by a second guy... never married... not with either of them?

Well, when she filled us all in on illegitimate child #2 (whom I do dearly adore, really), we had a big blow out and lots of hateful words were exchanged. I blew my top like Mt. St. Helens.

To tell you the truth... I don't have an issue with single parents. With single parents who choose to be single parents. With single parents who choose to be single parents and can AFFORD to SUPPORT their own children with their OWN MONEY.

But, my sister... my dear sweet sister (whom I am quite a bit closer with now than a year ago, which is nice, although she drives me mad with her morals and ways of life).... she insisted that she didn't depend on "ANYONE" to raise her kids... she didn't take handouts EVER.

And lo and behold... as our relationship has blossomed over the past year I find out tidbits here and there about what "no handouts" really means in her dictionary.

WIC

FIA... government paid for daycare

Low income housing.... ie... 3 bedroom apartment for less than $300/month

$8,000 back on her income tax return when that is 3/4ths of what she made as income the entire year of 2008.

What the flying flipping fuck!

So... her oldest and my oldest are a year apart. Rory will be in preschool this fall and it will be Erin's second year of preschool. Sis asks me if I know of any good "free" preschools to send Erin to. I dismiss her and avoid answering as I'm thinking.... fucking pay for your own daycare like every other normal parent!

Last night we got in a discussion about K-12 schools and where would be the best choice to start Erin off at (she doesn't like the district she lives in, and wants to send her to school of choice). She scoffed at a lady at work who sent her kids to private school at the tune of $4700/year.

"Where do they GET that money? I can't IMAGINE paying that much for school."

Granted... I can't either. I truly believe public schools can be and are just as good as private schools. I truly believe that private schools have a higher college attendance rate, higher "do-good-in-life" rate than public schools because... DUH... public schools are a mash of "good" families as well as those families who a) can't afford private schools or b) don't give a shit about their kids educations.

But still... Sis scoffed at how much private schools cost and I made the point of.... "Its $100/week. That's what I pay for part time daycare and a hell of a lot less than full time daycare. People who go to private schools, yes, they can afford it. And no, its not always a bunch of people with more money than they know what to do with.... its also regular old families who have had to pay for daycare, allowed room in their budget to pay for their children to go to daycare and just basically extend that budget to private education."

It just irks me. Irks me to hell that she thinks that the way she is living her life is so... normal. So... okay. Its not. I hate that our tax dollars pay for her kids to go to daycare. I hate that our tax dollars go to pay for her apartment. Her college education (which she gets for free!). Her preschool.

Its irritating beyond belief.




And then today... I hop on Facebook to read about a friend... I use that term loosely as I don't know her all that well but what I do know about her is that she's conceited and she and her husband work minimal jobs for her family so they don't have to claim much income and can recieve government handouts... ie... Medicaid.... free daycare etc.

On her facebook she's bragging about new tattoos and "Oh middle finger to those of you who thought I wouldn't be back to my size 3 after having the baby 6 days ago!" and how she has her older child in daycare 5 days a week even though she doesn't work. And oh, now that the older child likes the baby, she'll let her come home 2 extra days a week.

WTF?

Since when does having a second child mean you ship your oldest off to full time daycare (paid for by us tax-payers)!?!

UGH.