This post may sound incredibly selfish and I'm sure will hit a sore note with at least a small percentage of readers (if there really are any readers.... if not, no big deal LOL!).
We have 2 little boys. Two healthy, happy, active and loving little boys. And yet my heart longs for a daughter.... I know I should be thankful for the children I have. For the ability to be able to HAVE my own children. For my easy fertility, my healthy pregnancies, my uneventful labors and my wonderfully amazing little boys.
I have no other way to explain it than this.... You know how you hear people say that they know their "soul mate" is out there... a spouse they are meant to be with, they long for and know they will someday be with but have not found them yet? This is how I feel. This is how I feel when I think of our family, our family of 4, with two little boys. I feel that somewhere, somewhere out there is my daughter and I just have not met her yet. She has not joined our family and our family is not complete. Not complete at all.
I will admit... when I found out Beck was a boy I was selfishly devastated for about a week. I longed to have a little girl and I went so far as to begin searching for sperm sorting facilities and adoption options for adding a 3rd child to our family. I was anxious to get to the end of my pregnancy with Beck so I could move on and become this mother of two boys and look into options for having the daughter I dreamed of.
Now, I looove my boys. I do. I adore them with every little crevice of my heart and ounce of my being. But I can't shake this feeling, this yearning, this aching that somewhere there is a little girl who belongs in our family... who has two older brothers who will dote on her and protect her.
Max and I have discussed options for a 3rd child and possibly a 4th. I so desperately want to adopt but I'm terrified of the costs. We are drowning in student loan debt and I can't fathom how we'd afford another $30,000 for adoption fees. However, my dreams return again and again and again of a little daughter from China in our family. I read adoption blogs and I feel my stomach churn, my heart race and I feel so familiar... like I know there is a little girl out there like them for us. That our story should be like theirs... the journey, the struggle, the waiting, the excitement, the disappointment, the edge of your seat anticipation.
We've also discussed having a 3rd biological child and regardless of gender adopting a 4th once our three are all at least in full time school. I think we're leaning toward this option more or less because at this time we are financially unable to afford adoption fees. And then my selfishness comes in. I am terrified... so incredibly terrified that we will have a 3rd boy and something will fall through and inhibit us from adopting. I've secretly contemplated not finding out the gender of a 3rd biological child for if I find out at delivery I can excuse my tears for tears of joy, not tears of sadness for the "loss" of a "daughter" that never was.
I don't want to dismiss my love for a 3rd boy.... I would love him to pieces as I love my Rory and Beck. My boys are such different and fun little people that I know a 3rd would be something new all over again. It just wouldn't be the daughter I dream of. The daughter I wish and long for.
We have 2 little boys. Two healthy, happy, active and loving little boys. And yet my heart longs for a daughter.... I know I should be thankful for the children I have. For the ability to be able to HAVE my own children. For my easy fertility, my healthy pregnancies, my uneventful labors and my wonderfully amazing little boys.
I have no other way to explain it than this.... You know how you hear people say that they know their "soul mate" is out there... a spouse they are meant to be with, they long for and know they will someday be with but have not found them yet? This is how I feel. This is how I feel when I think of our family, our family of 4, with two little boys. I feel that somewhere, somewhere out there is my daughter and I just have not met her yet. She has not joined our family and our family is not complete. Not complete at all.
I will admit... when I found out Beck was a boy I was selfishly devastated for about a week. I longed to have a little girl and I went so far as to begin searching for sperm sorting facilities and adoption options for adding a 3rd child to our family. I was anxious to get to the end of my pregnancy with Beck so I could move on and become this mother of two boys and look into options for having the daughter I dreamed of.
Now, I looove my boys. I do. I adore them with every little crevice of my heart and ounce of my being. But I can't shake this feeling, this yearning, this aching that somewhere there is a little girl who belongs in our family... who has two older brothers who will dote on her and protect her.
Max and I have discussed options for a 3rd child and possibly a 4th. I so desperately want to adopt but I'm terrified of the costs. We are drowning in student loan debt and I can't fathom how we'd afford another $30,000 for adoption fees. However, my dreams return again and again and again of a little daughter from China in our family. I read adoption blogs and I feel my stomach churn, my heart race and I feel so familiar... like I know there is a little girl out there like them for us. That our story should be like theirs... the journey, the struggle, the waiting, the excitement, the disappointment, the edge of your seat anticipation.
We've also discussed having a 3rd biological child and regardless of gender adopting a 4th once our three are all at least in full time school. I think we're leaning toward this option more or less because at this time we are financially unable to afford adoption fees. And then my selfishness comes in. I am terrified... so incredibly terrified that we will have a 3rd boy and something will fall through and inhibit us from adopting. I've secretly contemplated not finding out the gender of a 3rd biological child for if I find out at delivery I can excuse my tears for tears of joy, not tears of sadness for the "loss" of a "daughter" that never was.
I don't want to dismiss my love for a 3rd boy.... I would love him to pieces as I love my Rory and Beck. My boys are such different and fun little people that I know a 3rd would be something new all over again. It just wouldn't be the daughter I dream of. The daughter I wish and long for.
