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Posted by Constance the Seventy Third at 2:28 AM 0 comments
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Sunday, October 18, 2009
How dare you
How dare you judge me on what type of language I use around my children.
How dare you tell me that *I* need to set an example for my children and avoid occasional curse words.
How dare you...
Because what examples are YOU teaching your children?
That having 2 kids with 2 different fathers is ok?
That not being married to either of those fathers is ok?
That living in government assisted housing is ok?
How dare you act like my occasional swearing in front of my children is the worst thing in the world. Children learn that there are adult beverages that they can not have. Children learn that there are adult activities they cannot participate in (driving cars, using the oven). They can also learn that there are adult words they should not use.
But you. Your children will never learn what it is like to live in a family. With their mom and dad in one home. In one home paid for by the hard work of that mom and dad.
And that, my dear, is sad.
How dare you tell me that *I* need to set an example for my children and avoid occasional curse words.
How dare you...
Because what examples are YOU teaching your children?
That having 2 kids with 2 different fathers is ok?
That not being married to either of those fathers is ok?
That living in government assisted housing is ok?
How dare you act like my occasional swearing in front of my children is the worst thing in the world. Children learn that there are adult beverages that they can not have. Children learn that there are adult activities they cannot participate in (driving cars, using the oven). They can also learn that there are adult words they should not use.
But you. Your children will never learn what it is like to live in a family. With their mom and dad in one home. In one home paid for by the hard work of that mom and dad.
And that, my dear, is sad.
Posted by Constance the Seventy Third at 12:03 PM 1 comments
Monday, August 31, 2009
Longing
This post may sound incredibly selfish and I'm sure will hit a sore note with at least a small percentage of readers (if there really are any readers.... if not, no big deal LOL!).
We have 2 little boys. Two healthy, happy, active and loving little boys. And yet my heart longs for a daughter.... I know I should be thankful for the children I have. For the ability to be able to HAVE my own children. For my easy fertility, my healthy pregnancies, my uneventful labors and my wonderfully amazing little boys.
I have no other way to explain it than this.... You know how you hear people say that they know their "soul mate" is out there... a spouse they are meant to be with, they long for and know they will someday be with but have not found them yet? This is how I feel. This is how I feel when I think of our family, our family of 4, with two little boys. I feel that somewhere, somewhere out there is my daughter and I just have not met her yet. She has not joined our family and our family is not complete. Not complete at all.
I will admit... when I found out Beck was a boy I was selfishly devastated for about a week. I longed to have a little girl and I went so far as to begin searching for sperm sorting facilities and adoption options for adding a 3rd child to our family. I was anxious to get to the end of my pregnancy with Beck so I could move on and become this mother of two boys and look into options for having the daughter I dreamed of.
Now, I looove my boys. I do. I adore them with every little crevice of my heart and ounce of my being. But I can't shake this feeling, this yearning, this aching that somewhere there is a little girl who belongs in our family... who has two older brothers who will dote on her and protect her.
Max and I have discussed options for a 3rd child and possibly a 4th. I so desperately want to adopt but I'm terrified of the costs. We are drowning in student loan debt and I can't fathom how we'd afford another $30,000 for adoption fees. However, my dreams return again and again and again of a little daughter from China in our family. I read adoption blogs and I feel my stomach churn, my heart race and I feel so familiar... like I know there is a little girl out there like them for us. That our story should be like theirs... the journey, the struggle, the waiting, the excitement, the disappointment, the edge of your seat anticipation.
We've also discussed having a 3rd biological child and regardless of gender adopting a 4th once our three are all at least in full time school. I think we're leaning toward this option more or less because at this time we are financially unable to afford adoption fees. And then my selfishness comes in. I am terrified... so incredibly terrified that we will have a 3rd boy and something will fall through and inhibit us from adopting. I've secretly contemplated not finding out the gender of a 3rd biological child for if I find out at delivery I can excuse my tears for tears of joy, not tears of sadness for the "loss" of a "daughter" that never was.
I don't want to dismiss my love for a 3rd boy.... I would love him to pieces as I love my Rory and Beck. My boys are such different and fun little people that I know a 3rd would be something new all over again. It just wouldn't be the daughter I dream of. The daughter I wish and long for.
We have 2 little boys. Two healthy, happy, active and loving little boys. And yet my heart longs for a daughter.... I know I should be thankful for the children I have. For the ability to be able to HAVE my own children. For my easy fertility, my healthy pregnancies, my uneventful labors and my wonderfully amazing little boys.
I have no other way to explain it than this.... You know how you hear people say that they know their "soul mate" is out there... a spouse they are meant to be with, they long for and know they will someday be with but have not found them yet? This is how I feel. This is how I feel when I think of our family, our family of 4, with two little boys. I feel that somewhere, somewhere out there is my daughter and I just have not met her yet. She has not joined our family and our family is not complete. Not complete at all.
I will admit... when I found out Beck was a boy I was selfishly devastated for about a week. I longed to have a little girl and I went so far as to begin searching for sperm sorting facilities and adoption options for adding a 3rd child to our family. I was anxious to get to the end of my pregnancy with Beck so I could move on and become this mother of two boys and look into options for having the daughter I dreamed of.
Now, I looove my boys. I do. I adore them with every little crevice of my heart and ounce of my being. But I can't shake this feeling, this yearning, this aching that somewhere there is a little girl who belongs in our family... who has two older brothers who will dote on her and protect her.
Max and I have discussed options for a 3rd child and possibly a 4th. I so desperately want to adopt but I'm terrified of the costs. We are drowning in student loan debt and I can't fathom how we'd afford another $30,000 for adoption fees. However, my dreams return again and again and again of a little daughter from China in our family. I read adoption blogs and I feel my stomach churn, my heart race and I feel so familiar... like I know there is a little girl out there like them for us. That our story should be like theirs... the journey, the struggle, the waiting, the excitement, the disappointment, the edge of your seat anticipation.
We've also discussed having a 3rd biological child and regardless of gender adopting a 4th once our three are all at least in full time school. I think we're leaning toward this option more or less because at this time we are financially unable to afford adoption fees. And then my selfishness comes in. I am terrified... so incredibly terrified that we will have a 3rd boy and something will fall through and inhibit us from adopting. I've secretly contemplated not finding out the gender of a 3rd biological child for if I find out at delivery I can excuse my tears for tears of joy, not tears of sadness for the "loss" of a "daughter" that never was.
I don't want to dismiss my love for a 3rd boy.... I would love him to pieces as I love my Rory and Beck. My boys are such different and fun little people that I know a 3rd would be something new all over again. It just wouldn't be the daughter I dream of. The daughter I wish and long for.
Posted by Constance the Seventy Third at 8:33 PM 1 comments
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Grandparents are dropping like flies... though not in the typical way
I most definitely can't post this on my regular blog as my mother reads. Maybe it would be better to do so and get my feelings out in the open but I prefer not to. She knows how I feel without me even saying a thing.
Awhile back, oh 7 year or so ago, my mom up and moved out of state to the East Coast to be with a man she met on vacation. She's a southerner, beach girl at heart and she's always hated this state we live in with its cold winters. Funny that that's where she chose to live while she and my dad raised us. Why, I wonder? Probably because our family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, were here.
So, she moved. And she left my pre-teen brother behind to live with my dad. My dad who has no parenting skills and pretty much let my brother do whatever he pleased. He's now supposed to be a senior but isn't going to be gradutating because he's failed so many classes, missed to much school. And my mom wonders what happened.
Anyhow, she moved back "home" about 3 years ago. She left the asshole she married- an alcoholic who was verbally abusive and slightly off his mental rocker.
She never actually divorced him.
She told me last night she was thinking about taking a job back on the East Coast. Which means she's taking it. I was livid, but had nothing to say to her.
I spoke with my grandma and she said she (mom) had been talking to "ex" asshole husband about getting back together. Which means she's moving back with him.
I don't know what this is going to do to Rory. His other grandma just passed away (so prematurely) last fall and now the grandma that he is obsessed with (as in... EVERY DAY tells me he misses her even if he saw her just the day before) is moving 12 hours away.
I know my mom thinks Rory will be able to come stay with her for a week or so in the summer and what not but to hell if my children are going to go visit her alone (if at all!) and be around a maniac, an alcoholic, who verbally abuses their grandma. I don't care if he has been sick and has stopped drinking.
So she's moving. Away from all of her family and off to live with an asshole who deserves every bit of sickness he has. And now my children's only "active" grandparents in their life will be my grandma and Max's dad. My dad has little to do with the kids, Max's mom passed away and now my mom is moving. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Posted by Constance the Seventy Third at 6:59 AM 2 comments
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